by Lynn Kim Do

Wasted Past

Recently, my dreams have seem to be very preoccupied with my past. Past friends, past lovers. My first reaction was always “fuck!” My second reaction was to call them nightmares. Although I would have to admit: no one is ever stabbed to death in my dream, no spiritual entrapment, no treacheries and certainly there are no tragedies either. But I always woke up feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and…unsettle. My third reaction was, naturally, to figure out whaaaaaa the hell my mind was trying to tell me!

My first conclusion was that I must miss them. Maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me that I was yearning for them. Maybe they’re not doing well (...can I be psychic??). I went as far as texting an old friend to see how she was doing, a friendship that went down in utter and silent flames many years ago. And the conversation had went like…
Me: “Hey, I’ve been having dreams with you in it. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.
Her: “This number is not saved in my phone. Who is this?”
…great, well, this makes me feel more shitty than relieved.
Her: “Lynn?”
Her: “I’m doing good. I hope you are too.”
Okay…better than I thought. But why didn’t I feel good about that. In fact, I felt the same amount of anxiety and uncomfort that I felt in my dream. I didn’t want to fix anything. That wasn't my intention in reaching out. I didn't want to open any dialogue in hopes for more dialogue. Our friendship is broken for a reason. And time doesn’t heal the problem. It heals emotions.

So I began to rethink the way I was trying to understand my dream. Maybe my subconscious wasn't yearning, but it was warning me. Perhaps it was showing me a fantastical alternate reality that would clearly bring nightmare associations. And perhaps, my mind was purging the past to get ready for the future. Need more room for some happiness, some good people, and some more good vibes.

Visuals by Amy