by Lynn Kim Do

Found My Passion

When people ask you what you’re passionate about, do you hesitate before saying whatever it is that comes to your mind after intense probing? When you look into the future, do you draw blanks? Yeah, me too. For the longest time, I never understood the idea of passion. I felt like I was passionate about everything and then nothing at the same time. I would then feel empty again. Doing things, working on things, just for the sake of doing it, continuing it. Because what I hate more than this rollercoaster of feelings is not finishing something I started. So I work from project to project, heart to heart, one occupation to the next within the creative industry. I felt guilty for not being ultimately happy for the jobs I was and am doing. I felt guilty because I wasn’t, perhaps, grateful enough. I was making money. I was creating. I was being appreciated for my ideas (for the most part). But I knew in the pit of my stomach, I wasn’t being fed. I would eat and eat, but I was sustaining. I wasn’t thriving. But I should be happy to be fed at all, right? So I came to terms with it. After-all, a drawback to being a Jane of all trades is that you become a master of none.

There’s a better ending to this story, I promise.

A few months ago, I had a very honest conversation with myself. I felt an abyssal desire to revisit an old passion I simply overlooked or perhaps consciously closed off. Like an old lover, I analyzed our beginnings and ends. It was acting. I proceeded to make a ton of excuses on why I shouldn’t do it. “I don’t have time right now.” “I’m too old, right?” “Why should I do this if I don’t know if I’ll go far on it?” “Shouldn’t I put this money I’m about to invest into something else? Something better?” “What if I suck?” “Fuck, do I suck?” “What about all these other things I’ve already invested in?” I told my mind to “SHUT THA FUCK UP”. I gave myself a hard stare. So hard, I stared right through me, peeled behind all the doubts, insecurities, the shields and walls of safety and comfortability, and I whispered, “You are better than this” in the most loving and compassionate tone.

A few months after that, I have had some ups and downs but I am so happy. I am happier than my most happy days before this. I am more fed, full, and satisfied. Guys, I think I have finally found MY passion. This shit is not a fairytale that movies or the government or our parents sell to us. It just may take longer. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. And be brave.

Images by Pedro Morales